GET OVER IT!

“Get over it.”

“Snap out of it.”

“Go on a vacation.”

“Don’t worry too much.”

These are words I often heard from those around me. I heard it from almost everyone; my friends, relatives, and even closest confidantes. Believe me, if it was that simple, I’d just “snap out of it” – in a second! But, life with anxiety and panic attack disorder has made my life a little bit more complicated than it already is.

In My Twenties

Starting in my mid-twenties, I have had several occasions where I was taken to the emergency room for some kind of an “episode,” an “attack,” or a “seizure-like” condition. The common symptoms I have had were palpitations/rapid heartbeat, pins, and needles on my hands and toes, shortness of breath, numbness on the arms and chest pain.

During my last episode which happened in September of 2012, my symptoms included involuntary twitching of my face muscles and inability to speak. It was scary. I thought I was going to die. Before 2012, my episodes were few and far between but since September 2012, I have had several  more panic attacks lasting about 15 to 45 minutes; but some of the anxiety symptoms last for hours, days and sometimes weeks.

Devastating and Debilitating

I do not wish this kind of condition on anyone. It is devastating, debilitating, and robs one of freedom and self-control. Those who have not experienced this disorder may not understand us who constantly experience it.

I do not want everyone to believe or understand what this disorder is all about but for many of us suffering from this disorder and those in the medical field, we know this condition is real. Just because we have no physical manifestation of our condition means we are alright. On the contrary, it is more frustrating knowing that we have no physical ailment but we feel aches and pain all over the body. It does not affect us only physically but more so mentally, psychologically, and spiritually.

Why? Why? Why?

Every day, I question myself. “What’s wrong with me?”, “Am I going crazy?”, “What can I do to get over it?”, “When will this feeling end?” And, most importantly, “Why me?”

Beyond these questions, these feelings, these frustrations, there is the need to be understood, the need to be supported and the need to be encouraged to fight it.  Above all, there is the need to be loved. I don’t fake my panic attack episodes as some might think. Believe me, I wish I was just faking them.

My Purpose

I am not a lazy person that you find me in bed the whole day and have no desire to do anything. More than anyone else, my closest family and friends should know me better than that. I am, or rather, I used to be an active individual with no time for idle talk and useless activities.

I have and will always have a purpose in life. Years ago, I have dedicated my life in service of The Lord Jesus Christ and though I have slipped in my devotion, the seed that The Lord has planted in my heart is embedded deep inside my heart still. The Lord has nurtured that seed by giving me a higher purpose when he gave me two beautiful children to nurture, to love, to care for.

Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up. (Proverbs 12:25)

I am deeply saddened by the fact that because of my condition, I am not “functioning” 100%. Both the quantity and quality of my life have diminished to merely 20-30%. It depresses me even more that I am not able to spend more time with my children. I am guilty of the fact that I am not of help to my husband at work the way I used to and is not able to contribute financially.

I am frustrated and I feel that I am not in control when I cannot get up from bed and do house chores and my house is left a mess. I used to be in control of my life, my emotions, and my feelings. Now, I feel like I am nothing. I feel like I am a burden and I feel useless to everyone around me.

Oh yes! It’s my depressive state talking again as anyone who reads this might think. I am thinking straight. I am thinking objectively and I have convinced myself that I am not going crazy (coz I am not!). I am not asking for pity coz I have more than enough of that for myself. All I am asking from all of you-husband, brother or sister, best friend, schoolmate, co-PTA friends, and whoever cares enough to read this is UNDERSTANDING.

You do not have to believe me or the condition I have but there are many facts out there about this condition. Do not dismiss me as if what I have is just a mere flaw in my character. Do not ignore me as if what I have is merely a weakness of my nature. And please, do not judge me and “kick” me more while I am already on the ground as if I have done something wrong in my life that I deserve this.  All I ask is understanding, some words of encouragement and the best thing you could ever do is to just LISTEN.

Just Snap Out of It!

I am not saying this condition is incurable but treating it is also NOT as easy as saying “SNAP OUT OF IT!” This condition goes beyond the boundaries of gender, race, and culture. It could strike anyone at any time. Believe me when I say that I do not wish it for anyone. I never thought I would have it coz I thought I was so much in control of my life. I didn’t even know I already had it years ago. I only realized it now.

I believe a lot of disease comes from anxiety, loneliness.

Tom Cochrane
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/anxiety

My journey with this condition will continue.  But, I know I shall conquer this. I know I am stronger than this and I am positive that things will be better. With the help of The Lord and with the support, love, and understanding of those who choose to, I know and I believe that I will surely “GET OVER IT”, and “SNAP OUT OF IT”!

**This was first written in 2013. Thus, some things may no longer be applicable and some situations may have already changed.**