Being a stepmother was something I never thought I would be. People in my home country frown upon falling in love and marrying a man who has children. It was a big deal! You become the topic of gossips, and the whole clan condemns you! So, no, I never thought of being one. I never even considered being one.
FIRST MEETING
I met my now husband through common friends. He is a divorcee. He is a decent man, very respectful, responsible, and yes, very much a father to two teenage daughters.
At first, I was not too impressed with him. Our first meeting was a disaster. He arrived two hours (or three?) late to a group dinner arranged for us by our friends. He was sick when he got to the venue; coughing and sneezing throughout the evening and was going to the bathroom now and then. It was a little embarrassing for him!
But, the days and weeks after we began talking on the phone and going out on dates, I learned many things about him and our relationship quickly transformed into a very loving relationship.
My biggest concern? He has two children! They were 12 and 17 years old at the time we first met. They were with their father every other weekend, and their mother was very much involved in their lives. I had no idea how I would handle the situation. It didn’t feel quite right having a relationship with a divorced man with children.
Surprisingly, my family was very supportive of my relationship. They did not make a big deal of the fact that my boyfriend was a divorcee and has children. They warned me though, that if we do get married, the role of a “stepmother” to his children was going to be difficult. I braced myself, and dove in the water.
THE CHILDREN
The 12-year old daughter was more accepting of me, in the beginning. She was sweet, a little shy, and introverted. She was not much of a talker and more of an observant. We quickly liked each other and just quietly got along living in one house.
The 17-year old daughter was more outgoing and confident. She had a boyfriend at the time I first met her, and she was very much in love and involved with the young man. I don’t think she particularly liked me in the beginning. She probably even despised me. She was not rude, but she wasn’t very friendly to me either. She just acted like I didn’t exist.
I knew I had to get along with them, no matter what. If we were all going to be living in one roof eventually, we have to have a relationship. Or, at the very least, we needed to co-exist without any angst.
I believe that when a man starts bringing home a new wife, the children immediately thinks, “Is she going to be my new mom?” “Is she now going to take over the house?” “Do I now have to listen to her, obey her, do what she tells me to do?” I knew there was going to be some resistance, some “power struggle,” and battle for attention.
At one point, I told my stepdaughters that I wasn’t in their lives to replace their mother. No one can replace their mother. I probably will be “taking over the house” precisely because I am now the wife. I am the one who will be taking care of the home front. It didn’t mean, however, that I will be acting like a boss and that they have to do what I tell them to do. I did tell them that all I asked of them was a chance to be friends with them, and nothing more. For the sake of their father, the three of us had to show and feel genuine respect for one another. They agreed.
THE STRUGGLE
But life was not meant to be perfect. As days and weeks and months passed by, there were changes, challenges, and struggles in our household. I will not say that all was too bad, but, it wasn’t good either. There were jealousies involved, enviousness, disrespect, and just an all-around feeling of walking on eggshells. It was stressful to the point that our relationship with one another started breaking down.
Me, the stepmom, versus my stepchildren. My stepchildren versus their dad. Me versus my spouse. Each one of us felt like we were being wronged by the other.
Unfortunately, in a situation like this, everyone becomes a victim. There are no winners. Everyone loses. Each one of us had different issues, different perspectives, and a different attitude towards the situation.
I felt like I was the main antagonist. I came into the picture when no one expected it. They were content with their lives living without a mother at home and having their father exclusively, and I (and eventually, my two kids) had to come into their lives. My stepchildren began feeling resentful.
FEELINGS OF DISCONTENT & RESENTMENT
Circumstances like these are prevalent nowadays. It’s hardly anyone’s fault. Children, most especially are vulnerable. So, they try to escape from the situation. They leave the house. They try to find attention and comfort from other people outside of their home. Mentally, or psychologically, they stray. They distance themselves from the source of their resentment and discontent. They rebel. And, things become chaotic.
The stepmother, just like me, feels lost and disheartened. The last thing that we want is for our spouse’s children to dislike us or worse, hate us. When I came into my husband’s life, I wanted so much to be an ideal family. Although our state was far from being perfect, I wanted a family where we were all together, living cohesively, and peacefully, and sincerely getting along.
Unfortunately, that didn’t happen for us, at least not immediately. There had been so much tension. I was despised and was considered the “enemy.” I was the one who took their father away from them and in their minds, I am sure, that was unforgivable.
TURN OF A NEW LEAF
Years later, though, there was a turnover of a new leaf. When my older stepdaughter became a mother herself, she and I bonded because we now had something in common. We talked about marriage, children, and taking care of the house. Slowly, we began a respectful relationship. The change was gradual, but a change nonetheless. We didn’t become best of friends, but, we were at least talking civilly and respecting each other’s opinions.
Slowly, she understood some of my views in life and accepted my opinions and some lessons I have shared with her. It was a wonderful feeling. It honestly started a more conflict-free environment. What’s more, it relieved my spouse of the feeling of having to “choose” sides. This was how I wanted it to be in the first place.
MORE CHAOS
However, not all were a-ok. My younger stepdaughter who used to be the more accepting one was now detached, cold, and aloof. Although she was not confrontational, there was a feeling of disdain. Tension cuts through the air whenever we were in the same room. It was very uncomfortable.
We lived in the same house for some time, and it was rough. There was no acknowledgment of one’s presence even when we cross paths. There was a deliberate show of “I don’t know you,” “I don’t care about you,” and “I don’t like you.” Living like that for a while gets to you. And, it did with me.
Next thing I knew, my relationship with the younger stepdaughter became unhealthy. It brought about a lot of sadness, insecurity, resentment, and feeling of failure, on my part. I never wanted to feel that way. And, I certainly didn’t want her to feel that way either.
GROWING MATURELY
Now, both my stepdaughters are living apart from us. As they started living on their own, they began to grow. They started a process of maturity, and I believe that with maturity, comes more understanding of the kind of situation that we are all in. I, too, did my best in handling our situation maturely, and I think somehow, that made them realize that I was not the enemy, but rather, an ally.
I am not here to make their lives miserable or take their father away from them. I am here to make their lives complete by making our family complete. I am here to love and understand them, to nurture them like my children. I didn’t get the opportunity to show and do that to them early in the relationship because I was shunned immediately. If I was given a chance, things would have been better from the beginning. But, again, maybe I, too, had my shortcomings. I may have also rebelled in my way. Not because I didn’t like them, but because I was hurt. I was hurt that I was not accepted. I was hurt that they saw me as a villain, like that of an evil stepmother in Disney movies.
NOT A WICKED STEPMOTHER
No, I was never a Lady Tremaine or a Gothel. I never even thought of being one. I was the exact opposite. Only Disney movies make a stepmother wicked. In real life, stepmothers are sent to children for them to have a second chance to experience what true motherly love is.
I may not have been the best stepmother, but I knew in my heart that I tried to make things work for my stepchildren and me. I believe that with the effort I have put in (and their effort as well), we are now getting along a little better. I hope that one day soon, the wall that is still somehow there will break down completely so that we can all live and love without reservations. After all, we share the same family name. We are ONE FAMILY, no matter what.
