Marrying a divorced man with kids may be tough. Firstly, you will have to deal with his children from the previous marriage. Secondly, you might have to deal with an ex-wife and ex-parents-in-law. Thirdly, you are more likely to mingle with common friends he has with his ex-wife. And, lastly, you might have to deal with situations involving your husband’s past.
Dealing with these people, situations, and experiences will undoubtedly have an impact on your relationship with your husband, and this may likely cause you some insecurities.
Here are some reasons that you might develop insecurities in the course of your relationship:
A routine in the family
Your husband and his children may already have a routine in their household. Since they are the majority, you are most likely be the one to adjust to their routine. Their routine may not be something you like or something that suits your lifestyle. If there are no changes or compromise made, this will create insecurity and a problem between you and your husband.
Your husband and his children have memories of places, things, and situations that do not involve you.
Obviously, you are the “newcomer.” You just entered into their lives. He and his children have been together since the children were born. Therefore, they already have memories of events and situations that do not include you. They will be talking about it, remembering it, reminiscing it and you will again be left out.
You will feel like your husband favors his children over you.
Your husband and his children have a certain kind of bond. They know each other’s personalities and attitudes. Therefore, if his children give you an attitude and you tell on them, or if you and the children get into some disagreements or if you want to discipline his kids and his kids resent it, your husband may “side” or “favor” his children over you. Or, at least that’s how you will feel about it. Thus, you feel insecure.
Your husband compares his experiences with his children from his previous relationship with the new experiences he has with you and your children.
You just gave birth to your child. You are a new mom. You are experiencing for the first time many things about your child and motherhood. Your husband starts telling you about how his first child (with the ex-wife) was so good that he/she did not cry a lot at night as compared to your child who is wailing the whole night long. Or, when your child starts talking at eighteen months, and he tells you how his first child (with the ex-wife) began to speak at sixteen months (two months earlier than your child), stealing your child’s thunder. You get very upset because you think that your husband is trying to tell you that his children with the first wife are better than his children with you. (OUCH!)
Your husband starts talking about his ex-wife’s family and his experiences with them.
Your husband recounts a story about the time when he was still with his ex-wife. He tells you how funny his ex-wife’s dad was or how good of a cook the mom was, or how he did not get along with his ex-wife’s brother.
It didn’t matter if he was complimenting or criticizing his ex-wife’s family; you still feel a pang of jealousy or insecurity.
You found out that the car the ex-wife is currently driving was the car he gave her for her birthday ten years ago.
They got divorced three years after he gave her that car. You’ve been married for five years. Who cares if she is still driving the car he gave her?
You still get insecure no matter how long it has been.
Your husband and his ex-wife had a joint account when they were married. You now have separate accounts.
He had a horrible experience having a joint account with his ex-wife. So now, you have separate accounts. You feel like he does not trust you with his money. You feel very bad about it.
Your husband’s children with his ex-wife vs. your children together.
You feel like your husband compares, favors, and loves his children from his ex-wife more than he loves your children. These make you resentful, angry, and sad.
Marrying a divorced man with children carries a lot of baggage. This is not to say that you should not marry a divorced man. However, if you choose to marry one, you will need to acknowledge the fact that he has a past and the past consist of “exes.” You have to understand that he has experiences that did not involve you, for obvious reasons—he didn’t know you back then. He knew people that you didn’t know and being friends with them still is not a betrayal of his relationship with you.
Most importantly, you need to realize that he already has a responsibility towards his children from the previous relationship before he married you. You (and your children together) will have to share his affection, his time and even his material possessions with his children with his ex-wife. Yes, there will come a time that you might resent the situation, or be angry, or be insecure, but you have to learn how to tackle it. After all, if you genuinely love him, you will accept him and everything and everyone that goes with him.
